Jesus died so you can be a dick.
Jesus was crucified so you can be an asshole.
Jesus was born
and then he preached
and he taught good will towards men
and the Jews didn’t like that
and they told the Romans “kill him”
and the Romans said “Okay!”
and then he died 
to forgive your sin
of being such a prick.

Jesus died so you can treat people like socks.
Dirty socks.
Holed socks.
Socks in the laundry room of a Long Island housewife
who wants to economize
and uses Woolite
and you are like
an eggplant on the ocean
and you are like
a sofa
and Jesus died-- Jesus died-- Jesus died
so you can be a dick.

My people want to be left alone.
We no longer want to influence your culture.
Benny Goodman -- may he rest in peace!
Albert Einstein -- also!
My people want only
to drive the new Lexus
into a culdesac
and rattle our jewelry
on Rosh Hashanah.

We’re tired 
of trying to convince you
that cheeseburgers are bad.
We’re tired
of trying to teach you
about liberalism.
We’ve given up
on Marx.
We don’t care anymore!
Leave us alone!
Give us a credit card,
and we’ll stop griping
about Israel.

My people 
are willing
to change their names to “Kennedy”.
We are willing
to stop eating gefilte fish.
We will even, if you insist,
silence Woody Allen.

We apologize
for killing
your God.
But if we hadn’t done it,
you wouldn’t be allowed
to be such dicks.
You’d be punished
for sorting on shabbos.
You’d be punished
for mixing linen and wool.
You’d be punished
for being so mean to us.
You’d be punished
for eating all that swine
and drinking all that wine
that may have been used
for idol worship.

So, we apologize,
but maybe we feel
a little
ambivalent.